


Baxter

by adrianicsea



Category: Big Wolf on Campus
Genre: (Lori comes out as a trans man and post-testosterone post-top surgery merton helps him with it), (while trying to juggle his overwhelming love for Tommy), Gen, M/M, Pining, Trans Character, Trans Lori, Trans Male Character, Trans Merton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:04:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianicsea/pseuds/adrianicsea
Summary: It's May of 2005, and nearly five years after high school graduation, the three of them are about to graduate college, too. Lori comes to Merton with a problem that only he can solve-- but it involves keeping a big secret, and Merton's already got one of those on his chest. Can he handle two?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dead, niche fandoms are all the rage this year! BWoC was one of my first real hyperfixations in the far-off year of 2009, when I was barely a teenager, and I've recently fallen hard back into it. It felt only right to write something for the show, since it was one of my first fandoms and since I've grown so much as a person and a writer since the first time I fell in love with the show. I hope you all enjoy it!

            Merton was on his way to chem class when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He grumbled to himself as he dug into the pocket of his jeans and eventually pulled out his phone. Upon flipping it open, he saw that he had a text message from Lori.

            “u bsy l8r??”

            Merton flipped his phone shut again as he climbed up the steps into the science building. From there, it was a short walk down the hall to his chemistry lab on the ground floor. Once he’d seated himself and carefully set his notebooks aside, he reopened his phone and began painstakingly typing out a message, his fingers skating expertly over the small number pad.

            “not rly. got wrk @ 6. y?”

            Lori’s response was nearly immediate.

            “wna tlk 2 u al0ne. dnt tll tmmy.”

            Merton frowned at the small screen. He couldn’t imagine what Lori would want to talk about that she’d want to keep secret from Tommy—it wasn’t like any of them kept many secrets from each other anymore, not since they’d come to college.

            Well. There was _Merton’s_ secret, but that was different. Certainly Lori couldn’t have anything as important, as dangerous, as potentially life-altering as _that._

            “Ok,” Merton typed back. Whatever Lori wanted to tell him, he’d have to meet with her to find out. “Brb, chem strtin :B”

            As Merton’s professor took his place at the front of the lab and began writing on the whiteboard, Merton silenced his phone, folded it, and stuck it back in his pocket. It didn’t take too long for him to get immersed in the day’s lessons about valence electrons and ionic bonds and for Lori’s message to fade from memory.

#

            As it turned out, Lori had a darkroom lab session that didn’t get out until 6 that evening, so Merton made plans with her to meet at the mall food court during his break. During his shift, he didn’t have much time to think about their meeting; the Hot Topic was becoming quite the popular hangout spot, and tensions were high amongst many of the teenage patrons for the impending release of the new Fall Out Boy album. By the time his break rolled around, Merton was more than ready for it. He clawed himself through the racks of jewelry and band shirts and made a break for the food court as soon as he had passed through the store’s faux cast-iron gates.

            Once he reached the food court, Merton saw Lori already sitting at one of the tables towards the edge of the vaguely circular area. There were two soft pretzels sitting before her, along with a large blue Slush Puppy.

            “Hey, Lori!” Merton offered Lori a smile and a wave as he sat down across from her. “Is this stuff for me?”

            Lori rolled her eyes, but pushed the slushie and the tray of pretzels across the table nonetheless. Merton squeaked in gratitude and immediately started working on the pretzels.

            “You’re welcome,” Lori teased, wearing a bright smile. “Anyways, it’s not for free…”

            Merton looked up at her, a chunk of pretzel hanging halfway out of his mouth, and drew his eyebrows together in confusion.

            “I wanna talk to you,” Lori said. Merton slurped up the pretzel and washed it down with the slushie before he spoke.

            “Yes, Lori, I gathered as much, seeing how we made plans to _meet together_ here and all.”

            “Shut up, Merton.” Lori laughed and raised a fist. Merton flinched, but to his credit, he managed to relax and laugh too before he could scoot his chair backwards.

            “Anyways, regale me, Miss Baxter,” Merton continued. He leaned forward and propped his elbows on the table, steepling his hands together to rest his chin on his interlocked fingers. As he slurped on his slushie, he watched Lori. She was normally so forthcoming with her words, but Merton noticed her hesitating, tugging at a strand of her hair in what he knew to be a rare show of self-consciousness.

            “Um, I was wondering…” Lori sighed and tugged at her hair again, before folding her hands together and placing them on the table. Merton quirked an eyebrow, but stayed quiet—somehow, he sensed that pushing Lori right then was an even worse idea than usual.

            “Could you tell me about being trans?”

            Merton tilted his head and smiled, the tension draining from his shoulders.

            “Yeah, Lori, of course I can! Is that what you wanted to talk about? It’s no big deal, I don’t mind talking about it.” Merton took another gulp of his slushie, before pushing it aside. “What do you wanna know?”

            Lori smiled at Merton, but still, he saw something hesitant and unsure in her eyes.

            “Well… When did you know?”

            Merton leaned back in his chair with a thoughtful hum and folded his hands behind his head.

            “Let’s see…” Merton chewed on his lip for a moment, staring up at the food court skylight as he thought. Despite the late hour, the sky still had a dark blue tone to it, a sign that spring was well underway.

            “The year was 1992,” Merton began. “That was the year I saw _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ for the first time…”

            “What happened?” Lori asked. Merton smiled to himself as he continued watching the nighttime clouds roll by outside.

            “Well, its unapologetically campy genre-bending story, along with Tim Curry’s performance as Frank N. Furter, really opened my eyes to the ephemeral nature of gender identity.”

            Merton paused, waiting for Lori’s inevitable admonishment, but for once, it never came. Merton leaned forward again and gave Lori a questioning look. She was worrying her lip between her teeth, as though there was still something on her mind.

            “Lori, what’s up?” Merton asked. He chanced an outstretched hand, though he left it halfway across the table for Lori to meet or ignore as she saw fit. Instead of reaching out, though, Lori withdrew, placing her hands in her lap.

            “ _How_ did you know?” she asked in a soft voice. She lowered her eyes, too, and suddenly, Merton understood.

_“Oh,”_ he murmured. Lori looked up at him sharply, her eyes wide, and he was quick to give her a gentle smile, to show that everything was okay.

            “I assume you won’t be surprised to hear that I’ve always felt different from my peers,” Merton said. He was relieved to see Lori smile at that.

            “At first, it was just little things, like how I’d rather play with toy monsters than Barbies… orrrr how I would always perform invasive _surgeries_ on the Barbies my parents bought for me.” Merton chuckled lightly at the memory, before he grew serious again. “Then when I got older, suddenly there was all this fuss about makeup, and shaving, and impressing boys…”

            “But you like wearing makeup,” Lori said quietly. Merton nodded and hummed his agreement.

            “That’s true, but I didn’t like doing it as a girl. I didn’t like wearing pink, or hanging out with girls… The thought of being some guy’s girlfriend made me sick. That’s how I knew.”

            “So… that’s it?” The disappointment in Lori’s tone was apparent.

            “Well…” Merton chewed on his lip. “That’s it for _me,_ yeah. But it isn’t always like that…”

            “What do you mean?” Lori asked, almost before Merton had finished his sentence.

            “Easy,” Merton said, his voice low and soothing. He inched his hand further across the table, and he was relieved to see Lori raise one hand up and tentatively brush her fingers against his.

            “All I mean,” he continued, “is that not everybody figures it out young, like I did. Sometimes people know when they’re little kids… sometimes they don’t know until their fifties. But it’s all okay.”

            Lori nodded, and her gaze dropped again, though the gesture seemed to be more contemplative and less sad this time. Merton gently wound their fingers together and squeezed. After a few long seconds, she opened her mouth.

            “Merton, I think—”

            Lori’s voice cut off as though she were choked. Merton shushed her and squeezed her hand again.

            “It’s okay,” he said. “I know it’s scary. You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready.”

            Lori nodded and withdrew her hand again. She raised her head enough to give Merton a tentative smile, though Merton saw the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. Then she ducked her head to run her hands through her hair. A couple months ago, she had cut it short again, like it had been when Merton first met her. Merton had been confused by it at the time, but now he supposed it made sense.

            “I’m not… ready for all of it,” Lori mumbled. “Not yet. But I want a new name.”

            Merton smiled and leaned forward over the table, his chin just grazing the surface, until he was able to look up into Lori’s face.

            “You came to the right guy,” Merton said. “Come by the dorm sometime and we’ll figure something out.”

            Lori sniffled and laughed as she looked at Merton. The movement made her tears spill out, too, but Merton politely ignored that.

            “Thanks, Merton.”

* * *

 

            “What about Lysander?”

            “Ew, no! I want something from this _century_ , Merton.”

            Merton grumbled and rolled onto his back, hefting his heavy tome of names up overhead. He lay sprawled across his mattress, while Lori sat at his desk, looking at baby name websites on his laptop. Tommy was nowhere to be found—Merton was pretty sure he had either anatomy class or football practice. Either way, it would keep him out of his and Merton’s shared dorm for a couple more hours.

            “Okay, well, you’re not giving me much to woooork wiiiiiith here!” Merton heaved a dramatic sigh and cast his eyes up to Lori. “Do you want a name that starts with L, or something different?”

            “I don’t know!” Lori protested. “There’s too many to pick from!” She sighed and swiveled in Merton’s desk chair to face him.

            “How did you pick _your_ name?” she asked. Merton smiled and shrugged.

            “Easy,” he said. “Merton was my mom’s maiden name, and it was already my middle name when I was born.”

            “Really?” Lori raised an eyebrow. “That’s pretty cool. What’s the J stand for, then?”

            “Jameson.” Merton’s smile spread into a smirk. “Picked it out all by myself.”

            Lori laughed and turned back to Merton’s laptop.

            “I’m surprised you didn’t pick something like… Jezeriah.”

            “Well, Lori, that would be because Jezeriah is a made-up name.” Merton didn’t tell Lori that he had, in fact, strongly considered it, before ultimately deciding that Merton Dingle was already a sufficiently bizarre name on its own.

            The two of them fell into a companionable silence, punctuated only by the scroll of Merton’s mouse wheel or the occasional flip of a page. Outside, the sun shone down onto the campus, and the sound of birdsong was audible through the thin glass panes of the dorm window. Merton hoped that they’d either find a name or call it quits soon—the weather was simply too nice to spend all day inside, even for someone of his complexion.

            “What about Hunter?” Lori suggested a minute or two later. Merton pulled a face as he stared at his book.

            “No good. I got beat up by a Hunter when I was in middle school.”

            “Chase?”

            “There was a Chase freshman year who gagged me with his old gym socks.”

            Lori sighed.

            “What about Eric?”

            Merton rolled onto his stomach, put his book down on the mattress, and stared at Lori.

            “Tommy wouldn’t like that. He had some pretty serious beef with a guy named Eric senior year, before you transferred to our school.”

            “Well, goddammit, Merton!” Lori leaned back and threw her hands up to the heavens, as if demanding some sort of absolution. “What am I supposed to do?!”

            “Hmm…” Merton was quiet as he thought to himself. It seemed like Lori was drawn to more direct, masculine names, so definitely something with some punch to it. If only Lori had a cool maiden name like Merton had…

            “EUREKA!” Merton cried.

            “Please tell me you’ve had an idea and you’re not suggesting I name myself _Eureka_ ,” Lori replied, her voice drawling with sarcasm. Merton fake-laughed at her joke before blowing her a raspberry.

            “What about Baxter?” Merton suggested.

            Lori’s draws drew together.

            “Baxter?” she repeated. “Like, my last name?”

            “Yeah!!” Merton propped himself up on his elbows and smiled at Lori. “Think about it. It’s less obtrusive than picking a whole new name, and you’ll have plausible deniability until you’re ready to start telling people!”

            Lori looked impressed and nodded to herself.

            “You’ve got a point…”

            Merton laughed and gestured towards his meticulously spiked hair.

            “Actually, Baxter, I’ve got several.”

            Lori laughed at that.

            “Yeah, yeah.” Her smile grew more tender, more thoughtful, as she continued, “Baxter… Not bad. I’ll think about it.”

            “Think about what?”

            Merton and Lori exchanged a wide-eyed look, and Merton hurried to sit up and turn around. There in the doorway stood Tommy, his hair a mess of sweat and dirt, his gym bag slung low over one shoulder. As Merton swallowed and studied Tommy, he felt his heartbeat pick up and mentally damned himself for still being such a lovesick fool, even after five years of knowing Tommy.

            “Tommy!” Merton exclaimed. “Welcome back, big guy. Lori and I were just—”

            Merton turned to look back at Lori and gave her a questioning gaze. In all of Merton’s excitement over having another friend like himself, he’d completely forgotten to cook up an alibi in case Tommy came home early.

            “I’m helping Merton pick out names for his next D&D campaign,” Lori said with an easygoing smile. Merton whipped his head back to Tommy and gave an eager nod, privately impressed with Lori’s quick thinking.

            “Yeah!!” Merton added. “I’m making a roving warband of kobolds, and Lori’s helping me with it!”

            “Oh.” Tommy seemed satisfied with Lori’s answer. As he walked over to his bed and dropped his bag to the floor, Merton watched him, noting with keen adoration the way his shoulders worked under his white tee shirt. Tommy turned around and flopped onto his bed once he had dropped his things.

            “You losing your touch, Merton?” Tommy asked. He laughed and gave Merton a teasing grin. “I mean, you’ve never asked _me_ to help you name any kebobs…”

            Merton smiled and bit his lip to keep from laughing. He’d long since gotten over his annoyance at Tommy’s constant mispronunciations and word slip-ups; now, they were only cute.

            “Maybe next time, buddy,” Merton said. He smiled across his bed at Tommy, and Tommy smiled back, and suddenly, Merton remembered that Lori was in the room.

            “Right!” Lori said, and Merton cleared his throat and hurriedly tore his eyes off Tommy. “Thanks for having me over, Merton. I think Jezeriah is a perfect name for the lead kobold.”

            Merton watched as Lori stood up and began gathering her things.

            “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty good. But what about the name I suggested?”

            After putting on her backpack, Lori straightened up and gave Merton a smile.

            “I guess that one’s pretty good, too.”

            On her way out the door, Lori ruffled Merton’s hair and gave Tommy a wave.

            “See you guys!”

            And then she was gone, leaving Merton and Tommy alone in the dorm. Merton sighed and rolled onto his side, curling around his pillow as he looked at Tommy.

            “You’re home early,” he observed. Tommy’s eyebrows drew together, and Merton’s heartbeat picked up as he recognized the look of suspicion in Tommy’s eyes.

            “Yeah,” Tommy agreed, “practice stopped early.” He crossed his arms and leveled Merton with a no-nonsense stare. “Is that a problem?”

            “N-no,” Merton said, “no problem!” He chuckled and sat up, still clutching his pillow to himself. “I mean, why _would_ it be?”

            “I don’t know.” Tommy frowned as he stood up. “But Lori left in a _pret-ty_ big hurry…”

            Tommy stretched and headed over to his dresser, no doubt getting clean clothes so he could go shower. Merton stopped his train of thought right there before it could get out of control.

            “And you and Lori have been hanging out a lot together lately,” Tommy continued. “I’d think you guys were planning another surprise birthday party for me, if my birthday wasn’t a month and a half ago…”

            “Y-yeah, well…” Merton could have kicked himself for not thinking of a decent cover story. He should have known Tommy would realize something was up sooner or later… Probably sooner. Merton realized with a sharp jolt of panic that Lori had left his laptop open, the monitor still displaying the baby name website. Tommy glanced over at Merton’s desk, and after studying the laptop screen, he turned to look at Merton with wide, questioning eyes.

            “Merton?”

            Merton cast his pillow aside and stood up, ready to stride up to Tommy and attempt to placate him.

            “Tommy, listen, I can explain--!”

            “Holy shit.” Tommy huffed a breath of disbelief.

            “You got Lori _pregnant?”_

Merton stopped in the middle of the room, and all at once, his panic was replaced with confusion.

            “Beg pardon?” he asked. Tommy gestured vaguely at Merton’s laptop.

            “This website,” he said. “And all the sneaking around you and Lori have been doing, and how weird Lori’s been around me lately…”

            Merton stepped closer to Tommy and reached up to place his hands on Tommy’s shoulders. He felt Tommy relax beneath his touch, and it was all he could do not to stroke his thumbs across the thin cotton of Tommy’s shirt.

            “Tommy, I _promise_ you, I did not get Lori pregnant.”

            “Why should I believe you?” Tommy asked, and Merton couldn’t help laughing.

            “Maybe because I’m trans, and thus cannot get _anybody_ pregnant?”

            Tommy flushed as he stared down into Merton’s eyes.

            “Oh, yeah,” he said. His voice was soft and bashful, and Merton couldn't help smiling. “Sorry. I guess I forgot…”

            “Hey, no worries, Tommy.” Merton did let himself stroke Tommy’s shoulders then, which made Tommy smile, too. “For what it’s worth, that’s pretty flattering…”

            “Well, in that case, you’re welcome.” Tommy chuckled and reached up to stroke Merton’s side. His hand felt red-hot against Merton’s skin, burning through his black silk shirt; Merton bit his lip and laughed breathlessly, mostly to mask his reflexive whimper at the touch.

            “I’m gonna go shower,” Tommy said. “You wanna play some Mario Kart when I get out?”

            Merton gave an eager nod, relieved that Tommy already seemed to have forgotten about the issue of Lori.

            “Only if you promise not to wolf out on me when I start kicking your ass,” Merton said. In response, Tommy’s eyes flashed yellow, and he gave Merton a fanged grin.

            “No promises,” Tommy said. Then, just like that, he was all human again and heading off to their bathroom. Merton whimpered aloud to the empty bedroom and collapsed back onto his bed.

            As he stared at the tacky, off-white popcorn ceiling, Merton hoped that Lori would feel comfortable coming out to Tommy soon. Keeping his own secret was torture enough; Merton wasn’t sure how long he could keep two. Sooner or later, one of them would give, and whichever one it was, _somebody_ would get hurt.

            Merton grumbled and wriggled under one of his silk blankets, nestling against his pillow once more. Tommy always took long showers—he’d have time for a short nap before Tommy came back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baxter decides he's ready to come out to Tommy. Merton wonders if he'll ever have the courage to do the same.

            Two weeks later, Merton sat curled in his desk chair, devoutly avoiding all thoughts of his finals by way of a heated bidding war on eBay over an authentic 18th-century vampire hunting kit and an MSN conversation with Baxter. It seemed he’d liked the name well enough, after all—he hadn’t come out to anyone besides Merton yet, but Merton still made a point of referring to him as such in all their private communications. After all, Merton still remembered how much it had meant to him when his friends and family began calling him by his new name.

            ‘so graduation is soon, huh?’ Merton typed. ‘it seems just moments ago we were freshmen, taking our first tentative steps onto the quad like fledgling birds pushed from the nest…’

            ‘ok, edgar allan poe :P’ came Baxter’s response. ‘don’t act like ur gnna miss it here.’

            Merton rolled his eyes, but he knew Baxter was right. The campus was so close to home, and for every new student who had come from someplace else, there were two more Pleasantville High alumni to fill the ranks. Even the school colors were practically the same; Tommy had almost accidentally worn his Angry Badgers letterman on multiple occasions, until Merton caught him and made him change into his Rams jacket at the last second.

            ‘maybe not the place,’ Merton agreed. ‘the people, though…’

            ‘we’re not goin anywhere. u don’t think tommy n i would just bail on u, do u?’

            Merton’s fingers hesitated over his keyboard. Rationally, he knew Tommy and Baxter weren’t going anywhere and that the three of them would all stay friends… But the smallest, most insecure part of Merton couldn’t help being afraid of losing touch with them. And, if he was being honest with himself, he was terrified at the thought of losing Tommy.

            Perhaps “losing” was too generous a term, Merton thought, especially since he’d never made his move and Tommy had never belonged to him to begin with. But they’d shared such a small living space for four years, and even before that, they’d spent their gap year together packed into the hearse and a revolving door of cheap hotel rooms, driving cross-country in search of monsters that needed slaying. What would happen after graduation? Would Tommy just drift away and leave Merton all alone? Merton didn’t want to think about it.

            ‘nah, you’re right,’ Merton typed. ‘you guys wouldn’t last a second without me.’

            ‘don’t flatter urself, dingle. ur the one who needs us ;)’

            Merton laughed.

            ‘yeah, maybe. anyways, what’s up?’

            ‘actually, i’m thinking about inviting tommy ovr 2 tell him abt the new me.’

            ‘oh shit, really?’

            ‘yeah, it’s about time. u don’t think he’ll take it bad, do u?’

            ‘no,’ Merton typed right away. ‘he’s never been weird with me, after all. do you want me to come too? you know, for moral support?’

            ‘sure,’ Baxter replied. ‘i’ll let u know when 2 come ovr. is he w you rn?’

            Tommy wasn’t, but Merton turned on reflex to study their dorm anyways. Tommy’s half of the room had begun to look soulless and naked in the past week, as Tommy had begun taking down some of his posters and decorations in anticipation of move-out day. Only a few odds and ends were left, such as the photo of him, Merton, and Baxter that Merton had taken their senior year of high school. Merton’s eyes lingered on it for a moment, before he turned back to his laptop with a faint smile.

            ‘nah, i think he’s at a study session right now. he should be free soon, though.’

            ‘cool. wanna come ovr, then? i can tell him 2 come ovr here when he gets out.’

            ‘no can do, bax. this vampire hunting kit isn’t gonna win itself.’

            Merton tabbed back over to eBay. In his momentary distraction, though, the highest bid on the kit had soared to $500, and that just wasn’t feasible on a Hot Topic salary. With a mumbled swear, Merton tabbed back into MSN.

            ‘nvm, got outbid by some asshole from kansas. be there in 5.’

            Just before he closed his laptop, Merton saw Baxter reply with a laughing emoticon.

* * *

 

            Baxter had been lucky enough to be roomed in one of the one-person efficiency suites on campus. Merton still wasn’t sure how he’d managed it, and if not for the fact that he’d been roomed with Tommy, Merton would have been jealous. Merton knocked at the door to Baxter’s suite and whistled to himself as he waited. When Baxter opened the door, he smiled and stepped aside.

            “Hey, Merton!” Baxter said. “Come on in.”

            Merton stepped inside and pulled Baxter into a hug.

            “Hey, bro!” Merton greeted. Baxter laughed and shoved lightly at Merton.

            “C’mon, Merton, cut it out!” he said, and Merton obliged.

            “Sorry, sorry. I promise I’ll stop with the bro stuff soon.” Still, Merton wore a wide grin as he carefully removed his pointed dress shoes and lined them up against the wall. The novelty of having another trans guy as a friend still had yet to wear off, and Merton suspected it wouldn’t for quite some time.

            “You’d better,” Baxter joked. He headed further into the living room—the suite was too small for an entryway—and took a seat on the small, shabby campus-issued couch. “C’mon, sit down. How’s it going?”

            Merton took a seat in the armchair by the couch and immediately curled up in it, tucking his knees under himself.

            “I’m alright,” he said. “My final for death rituals is due tomorrow.”

            Baxter raised an eyebrow.

            “Death rituals?” he asked. “What do you have to do, necromancy?”

            “Sadly, no. That’s for extra credit,” Merton said. “We’re just presenting our final papers, that’s all.”

            “Ah.” Baxter nodded and flipped on his TV. He flicked through the channels for a moment, before settling on an old _X-Files_ rerun and turning back to Merton. “My final portfolio is due tomorrow, too. I’ve gotta go back to the darkroom later tonight to make some last-minute adjustments…”

            “That’s cutting it a touch close, don’t you think?”

            Baxter shrugged and grinned at Merton.

            “That’s never stopped me before.”

            Merton tsked and shook his head as he turned his attention to the onscreen antics of Mulder and Scully.

            “Just don’t make an Icarus of yourself,” he warned.

            “Yeah, yeah.”

            The pair of them were silent, then. As Merton watched the TV, he was vaguely aware of Baxter pulling out his phone and sending a text. A moment later, Baxter’s phone pinged, and he flipped it open to read the message inside.

            “Hey, Tommy said he just got out of his study session. Says he’ll be here in a few minutes.”

            Merton turned his attention back to Baxter.

            “Are you ready?” he asked. “I mean, if you wanna practice with me…”

            Baxter shook his head and gave an easygoing smile, but Merton caught the uncertainty in his eyes.

            “I’m just gonna wing it,” he said. “I’m sure it’ll be okay, right?”

            “Right,” Merton answered right away. Even if Tommy was surprised or confused, he thought, he couldn’t imagine Tommy having a negative reaction to it—Tommy’s pack instincts had only gotten stronger as the years wore on. Merton knew it would take something truly drastic to make Tommy turn his back on his friends. Something like his best friend of five years being in love with him, Merton thought bitterly.

            “And just think,” Baxter said. The uncertainty in his eyes suddenly turned into a knowing glimmer of mischief. “Maybe after I tell Tommy _my_ secret, you can finally tell him yours…”

            “Huh?” Merton’s eyes went wide, and he curled further in on himself as he looked over at Baxter. Had he suddenly learned how to read minds? Merton was sure he’d never mentioned anything to Baxter about his feelings for Tommy, but Baxter only rolled his eyes at Merton.

            “C’mon, Merton. Tommy may be oblivious, but I’m not. I’ve seen the way you look at him…”

            Merton laughed, too loud and for too long, as he crossed his arms over his chest as if to guard himself.

            “C’mon _yourself!”_ he said. “E-even if I did… like Tommy…” Merton swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat and felt with mortification the way his face began to burn. “This isn’t about me! This is about you telling one of your best friends who you really are!”

            Baxter frowned at Merton. Merton found that it hurt more than Baxter’s accusatory tone had.

            “What about _you_ , Merton? Don’t you deserve to tell Tommy who you really are, too?”

            Merton didn’t say anything. He simply hugged his knees to himself and rested his chin on his folded hands.

            “Look,” Baxter continued, his voice unusually soft. “I’m sorry for prying, Merton. It’s just… Tommy’s your best friend, you know? It makes me sad to see you hiding from him like this.”

            When Merton was still silent, Baxter sighed.

            “Just… promise me you’ll think about it, okay?”

            “Okaaay,” Merton muttered. “I’ll think about it.”

            It wasn’t like he hadn’t spent the past five years thinking about it already, but Baxter probably knew that already, too. Baxter nodded and didn’t press any further. The two of them fell into silence again, but it was an uneasy one this time. Still, Merton gradually uncoiled as he got absorbed into _The X-Files_ , and by the time he heard Tommy’s heavy tell-tale knocking on Baxter’s door ten minutes later, he had recovered from Baxter’s sudden interrogation. Baxter stood to get the door, and Merton watched from his chair as Tommy walked in wearing his letterman and a bright smile.

            “Heeeey, Lori!” he greeted. When his eyes landed on Merton, Tommy looked briefly confused, but his smile didn’t falter. “Oh, Merton! I didn’t know you were gonna be here, too. How’s it hangin’, buddy?”

            “Oh, hey, Tommy. It hangs,” Merton replied. He felt himself begin to thaw out and cheer up inside, the way he always did when Tommy was around. “How was studying?”

            Baxter resumed his seat on the couch as Tommy shucked off his jacket and hung it on one of the Command Hooks by the door. He slid out of his raggedy old Converse, too, before walking into the room behind Baxter. Merton expected Tommy to take the spare seat on the couch, but instead, Tommy came around behind the armchair and leaned over its back, his elbows resting on the headrest above Merton. Merton swallowed as his heartbeat picked up at the proximity.

            “It was fine,” Tommy answered. “I’m feeling a solid B on my anatomy final.”

            “That’s good!” Baxter said. Tommy chuckled and nodded.

            “Yeah, I guess it’s true what they say about Cs getting degrees.” His hand drifted lower on the headrest, where it landed almost absentmindedly with his fingers brushing Merton’s shoulder. Merton sighed under his breath and leaned into the touch.

            “Anyways, enough about me,” Tommy continued. “You said you had something you wanted to tell me, Lori?”

            “Right!” Baxter replied. “I do. Only, uh… it’s kind of big news?” His voice pitched upwards as he smiled up at Tommy. “Like, the kind of news where maybe you should sit down?”

            Tommy looked down at Merton with a questioning gaze and a tilted head, but Merton just shrugged back at him.

            “Hey, don’t look at me,” he said. Tommy shrugged in response and came around to sit on the couch after all.

            “Okay, I aaaaam fully seated,” Tommy said with a light chuckle. “So what’s this big news?”

            “Well…” Merton watched as Baxter bit his lap and wrung his hands in his lap. “You know how Merton is trans?”

            Merton perked up at the mention of his name—he hadn’t expected Baxter to take that particular approach. Apparently, Tommy hadn’t either, because he turned around on the couch to study Merton briefly before turning back to look at Baxter.

            “Yeah…?”

            “So, uh…” Baxter gave a deep sigh and was quiet for a moment as he lowered his head. After a moment, he looked upwards again.

            “I’ve realized recently that… I am, too.”

            There was a long beat of silence. Merton sat watching as Baxter chewed on his lip and as Tommy sat in silence, his expression pensive—Merton could almost see the gears turning in his head.

            “Oh,” Tommy said after a long moment. “Okay.”

            “Okay?” Baxter echoed.

            “Yeah.” Tommy smiled at Baxter and reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks for telling me, man.”

            “Th-that’s it?” Baxter asked. He looked at Tommy with wide eyes. “You’re just cool with it?”

            “Of course I’m cool with it!” Tommy answered. “I mean, why wouldn’t I be?”

            “I dunno, it’s just…”

            Baxter and Tommy shared a look, and then Baxter turned away with a sniffle. Merton and Tommy dutifully looked away as Baxter wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.

            “Nothing,” Baxter said. He turned back to Tommy and smiled. “Thanks, Tommy.”

            Tommy smiled and leaned in across the couch to hug Baxter.

            “You’re welcome,” he mumbled. “Although I guess you don’t wanna be called Lori anymore, huh…?”

            Baxter laughed into Tommy’s shoulder, only it sounded suspiciously similar to a sob.

            “No, I don’t. Can you start calling me Baxter?”

            “Baxter, huh?” came Tommy’s muffled voice. “Yeah, I think I can manage that.”

            Merton didn’t want to be excluded from the lovefest any longer.

            “I helped him pick it out,” Merton interjected, and then he stood and came around to the back of the couch. He leaned over and joined in the hug, too, and for once, Baxter didn’t push him away. For a moment, the three of them lingered there, and then Tommy pulled back.

            “Wait a second…” He squinted and cast his eyes between Merton and Baxter. After a second or two, his face lit up with realization.

            _“That’s_ what you guys were doing a couple weeks ago!”

            “Yep, you caught us,” Merton said with a laugh.

            “Hey, wait.” Tommy pouted up at Merton. “You mean you knew this whole time and didn’t tell me?”

            “Sorry, big guy.” Merton smiled and reached down to rest his hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “It wasn’t my secret to tell.”

            For a moment, Tommy only pouted harder at Merton, but thankfully, he stopped before Merton started swooning.

            “Aw, it’s okay! I totally get it.” He turned and knocked his shoulder playfully against Baxter’s. “Anyways, now that we got the serious stuff out of the way, do you guys wanna go to the Silver Bullet?”

            “Is that even a question?” Baxter was already on his feet and going to get his shoes. “Last one there pays for dinner!”

            Tommy was off like a shot to retrieve his coat, and even Merton ran over to put his shoes on, too, laughing to himself all the while. He didn’t want to be the last one to the diner—as much as Merton liked buying Tommy’s dinner, he wasn’t a cheap date by any means. Being hungry like the wolf meant being broke like the Dingle.

* * *

 

            Just as Merton had feared, he had been the last one to reach the Bullet. The irony of the name hadn’t been lost on any of them, but for once, the name of the little diner had nothing to do with werewolves— it was simply a silver, trailer-shaped building, reminiscent of a bullet. And thankfully, Merton thought, it was cheap enough that even feeding Tommy didn’t break the bank.

            After two hours spent laughing, swapping stories, and throwing paper wads at each other, they had finally been chased out for loitering, and Baxter took off for the darkroom. Merton had the rest of the evening free, and he was grateful to find that Tommy did too, so the two of them made the short walk back to their building, chatting about finals and graduation and robe fittings all the while. When they returned to their dorm room, they each sat down on their respective beds. Merton cracked open the bricklike copy of _Les Mis_ he’d begun rereading for fun, while Tommy picked up his GameBoy and fired it up for a Mega Man session. Merton figured they’d been at it for a half hour or so when Tommy spoke.

            “Hey, Merton?”

            “Hmm?” Merton looked up from the highlighted annotation he’d been making in his book. “What’s up, Tommy?”

            Tommy closed his GameBoy and set it aside.

            “I’ve been thinkin’ about L—about Baxter,” he said. Merton felt a pang of worry and jealousy in his chest—if he’d still been a werewolf, he might have snarled.

            “Oh, yeah?” Merton tilted his head and set his book down, too. “What about him?”

            Tommy sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand.

            “Well… Did he tell you how long he’s known?”

            Merton shook his head.

            “I didn’t ask,” he said. “I felt like that was his business, not mine…” Merton squinted across the small space at Tommy. “Why do you ask?”

            “It’s just…” Tommy crossed his arms and sighed. His tongue poked just barely out of his mouth—he must have been thinking hard.

            “If he’s known for a long time, and he and I dated in high school before he came out…”

            Merton’s eyes widened, and his pulse quickened.

            “Yeah…?”

            Tommy looked up at him then and shrugged.

            “Well, I dunno. Doesn’t that mean I’m like, bisexual or something?”

            Merton dug his nails desperately into his comforter and clawed at it to keep from screaming.

            “I dunno!” Merton said quickly. “I mean, that’s for you to decide, Tommy. I can’t tell you what you are…”

            “Yeah, but—” Tommy grumbled and shifted his position on his bed, leaning against the wall and swaying one bent leg back and forth at the knee. “If I say I’m straight when I dated him, then that’s calling Baxter a girl, isn’t it? And that’s not respecting his identity…”

            Even as stressed as Merton was by the turn the conversation had taken, he could still feel himself falling harder for Tommy. Merton didn’t know anyone else who was so sweet and conscientious that they would rather redefine their own sexuality than risk offending somebody.

            “I guess so,” Merton said. He bit his lip as he stared across the room at Tommy. “But even if Baxter did know back then, it’s not like he was living as a man…”

            “I dunno, Merton.” Tommy sighed and studied the faded denim on the knee of his jeans. Merton hesitated for a moment, weighing his options, and then he decided to risk getting up and coming over to sit on Tommy’s bed.

            “Talk to me, Tommy,” he murmured. “What’s up?”

            Tommy scooted over on his bed to make room for Merton, and as Merton propped himself against Tommy’s pillows and picked one up to hug it, Tommy spoke.

            “Well, I thought I really liked Stacey, but being with her always made me so nervous that I wolfed out. And then I liked Baxter because he was so tough, and cool, and not girly…”

            Merton watched as the faint ghost of a blush rose to Tommy’s face.

            “And well, you know my track record with girls since we came here.”

            It was true, Merton thought, that Tommy hadn’t dated much over the course of their college career. There had been girls here and there, but they never lasted very long, and Tommy never seemed especially invested or heartbroken when those relationships fell through. Merton had thought once or twice about asking Tommy about it, but he had selfishly decided it wasn’t worth looking a gift horse in the mouth.

            “So… what are you saying, Tommy?” Merton asked. He wanted to hear Tommy say the words himself, to make sure Merton wasn’t misconnecting the dots. Tommy looked up at him then with bright, vulnerable eyes.

            “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now,” Tommy said. “But what Baxter said today made me sure of it… I think I like guys, too, Merton. I mean, that’s what it sounds like, right?”

            The only sound Merton could focus on at the moment, though, was the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. He began to feel a little lightheaded, and took a moment to be grateful for the fact that he’d managed to shake his fainting habit from high school.

            “Maybe,” Merton said. He forced himself to keep his eyes locked with Tommy’s, but the temptation to look down at his mouth was nearly overpowering. “I mean, just because you don’t like girly girls, or they make you nervous—”

            “That’s not all,” Tommy cut in. “It’s not _just_ that girls make me nervous. I’ve always had an easier time hanging out with guys… And a few months ago, one of the guys on the football team thought I was into him because I touched him so much. Only I didn’t even realize I was doing it, until he pointed it out…”

            “That doesn’t mean anything,” Merton said on reflex. “I mean, you’re always touching _me—”_

            Tommy’s eyes widened as he stared at Merton, and suddenly, the air in the room sparked and crackled like there was a storm approaching. Merton froze, unable to speak, and gripped Tommy’s pillow tighter as his heart thrashed against his ribs. This was it. He’d pushed too far, and now there was no going back.

            “Merton?” Tommy asked, after what felt like hours of them staring at each other. Merton swallowed before he spoke.

            “Yeah, Tommy…?” His voice was soft and weak, and he knew that if Tommy hadn’t already figured it out, he had to have known by now.

            “Your heart’s pounding,” Tommy said. Then, against all Merton’s fears and expectations, he scooted a bit closer on the mattress.

            “S-so what?” Merton asked. “Mind your own business, Tommy! I don’t go listening to _your_ vital organs, do I?”

            “It’s okay,” Tommy said. He scooted closer again, his eyes soft and his mouth slightly slack. “Can I come closer?”

            Merton forced a nervous smile and laughed.

            “Gee, that depends,” he said. “Are you coming closer so you can let me down gently, or so you can push me off your bed and tell me to leave you alone forever?”

            Tommy stilled on the bed and slowly raised his palms. Merton watched him with a fearful, suspicious gaze, but didn’t say anything further.

            “You know, Merton,” Tommy said, “I always thought any guy would be lucky to have you for a boyfriend.”

            Merton loosened his hold on the pillow just a bit.

            “You did…?”

            Tommy nodded.

            “I did. And I guess… I’ve always felt grateful that you were too busy with work, and school, and monster stuff to find a boyfriend. Because that meant I had you all to myself…”

            Merton whimpered and dropped the pillow, leaving himself vulnerable and unguarded.

            _“Tommy,”_ Merton whispered. He moved closer on the bed and licked his lips. “If this is a joke…”

            Tommy immediately shook his head.

            “It’s not a joke, Merton,” he said. “Can I come closer?”

            Merton nodded and watched in disbelief as Tommy scooted along, closing the distance between them until they sat side-by-side, their thighs pressed together on the mattress. Merton felt little arcs of lightning dance up and down his side at the close contact.

            “I wanted to make sure,” Tommy mumbled. He extended his arm to wrap it around Merton’s shoulders, and Merton let him without a second thought.

            “What do you mean?” Merton asked. Both of them spoke in whispers now, and Merton wasn’t certain when or why they’d started.

            “I thought that maybe I… that we…” Tommy gestured with his free hand between the two of them. “I didn’t want you to think I only liked you because you’re trans. I wanted to figure out if I liked other guys, too.”

            Half a decade of yearning and uncertainty fell away like a ton of bricks, and Merton found himself feeling woozy from the sudden loss of pressure.

            “Y-you like me?” he echoed dumbly. _“Me?”_

            Tommy gave a soft laugh and nodded.

            “Yeah, Merton. I do.”

            Merton swallowed and carefully raised up one hand. Tommy’s eyes never wavered from Merton’s, and Merton found a sense of steadiness in studying the gold flecks floating in all that hazel. By the time Merton’s hand found its way to Tommy’s jaw, Merton found that he had somehow managed to calm down a bit.

            “Tommy,” Merton said. “Ever since we became friends, I’d hoped that maybe someday…”

            Tommy raised his hand to cover Merton’s, and Merton whined again at the touch.

            _“Merton,”_ Tommy whispered. Merton was surprised to see tears welling up in his eyes. “That was five years ago…”

            “Yeah.” Merton nodded.

            “This whole time…?”

            Merton nodded again. He watched as the first tear fell from Tommy’s eyes, and then suddenly he couldn’t see anything except Tommy kissing him.

            For a moment, Merton sat motionless, trying to process the situation. When it finally clicked, though, he closed his eyes and tilted his head, pulling Tommy in closer by his jaw. Tommy didn’t resist, but Merton could tell he was nervous too by the way his broad fingers interwove with Merton’s. So Merton kept the kiss chaste, his mouth firmly closed despite all the pent-up years of longing raging in him like a storm. Still, Merton felt like he could very easily keel over, and so he pulled away after only a few seconds.

            Merton lingered with his forehead pressed to Tommy’s. When Tommy’s eyes slid open, they were bright and dazed all at once—but more importantly, there wasn’t a hint of yellow in them to be seen.

            “Should I be offended that that didn’t get you all wolfy?” Merton asked, his voice high and breathless. He gave a lopsided grin, but he doubted he looked any more confident and convincing than he sounded. It surprised him, then, to see Tommy give him a small smile in return.

            “No,” Tommy answered. “That means I’m not nervous with you.”

            Merton laughed and closed his eyes again. He kept laughing until, all at once, he was crying, only he was laughing through his tears all the while, and he couldn’t even stop laughing when Tommy freaked out and pulled him into his lap, rubbing his back with hands-turned-paws and asking him in a frantic growl what was wrong.

            “N-nothing’s wrong,” Merton said, as he finally recovered enough to wipe his eyes and look up at Tommy. “I just can’t believe Baxter was right.”

            Tommy tilted his head in a distinctly canine gesture.

            “Huh?”

            Merton shook his head and leaned up to press a kiss to Tommy’s cheek.

            “I’ll tell you later.”

            Tommy still looked confused, but he rumbled his assent, and as he curled himself around Merton, Merton buried his hands in Tommy’s fur and began reciting his favorite poetry for him. When Tommy was human again, he smiled and leaned in to kiss Merton, and Merton squeaked before he caught on, which he decided he wasn’t embarrassed about at all. After all, it had been five years.

            As Merton settled on top of Tommy and squirmed into his arms, he made a note in the most distant corner of his head to buy Baxter the nicest binder he could afford. It still wouldn’t be enough to repay Baxter for the gift he’d inadvertently given Merton, but it would be a start.


End file.
